The last week has been a rush of emotions I’d forgotten existed.
Folk life today was really awesome although I agree with Malik that it would have been better if we were high.
I have 100 more pages in my Drug Dealing and Smuggling Ethnography to get through. Its gonna end up taking a lot longer than I want though. Then I have to rough draft my 12-14 page paper on Saturday. Review Sunday morning. Edit a bit Sunday morning.
Then if I stay on top of my shit (which I probably wont) I can do something fun for a change.
yay social life!
Last night I ran into one of my brother’s friend’s moms and she told me that she and another one of my brother’s friend’s moms are trying to put something together for me for graduation like a little mini party.
These women are so incredible. I met them when my brother was in kindergarten and I was going through a really rough patch with friends, family, school and just everything. These women didnt turn up their noses at me.
They also didnt try to break down my walls or peel back my layers. They just always provided a supportive environment where I shed my layers protecting myself the better I got to know them. They showed a genuine interest in me and took the time to get to know me really well. Over the past five years that I’ve known them they’ve invited me to every event that my little brother was invited to and always introduced me to their friends as one of the adults, they also treated me like an adult and like I mattered when I felt like no one else really did.
I’ve been so lucky throughout my adolescence to have amazing parents and a stepmom that has accepted me as her own, as well as two incredibly unique siblings. Through my family I’ve been introduced and exposed to so many other wonderful, patient and loving people, I honestly cant thank everyone enough.
I think that at some point in time our relationship stopped working around anything other than sex. So once we started talking again that was always that awkward elephant in the room and when you left things got really emotional. But now it feels like you saying, “We should talk on the phone soon.” is just another way of saying, “I want to have phone sex.”
There’s nothing wrong with strictly sexual relationships, I just dont like when people pretend that there’s actually more substance to the relationship than there actually is.
The past few months the only time I’ve really felt happy has been when I’m at work.
But then one of my friends came up with this anti-prom idea and its the first time in a long time that I’m excited about doing something. I think that if everyone can make it with their work schedules it’ll be really fun. Everyone else had their last big hurrah at prom and since most of us arent involved at the high schools we go to we get to have our own celebration.
Also, seeing Audrey on Sunday was a perfect escape from my hectic life.
I’ve always been defined by my major relationships in life, whether it was romantic or a friendship. One of the constants of those major relationships was spending a lot of time with one specific person (ie; best friend, boyfriend). I see my two best friends maybe once every two months and we’re so different in so many ways I know that I cant define myself by them. In a way, with the loss of that constant physical presence I feel like I’m losing myself.
I have no idea who I am or what I want or what I like or what I care about. I feel like I’m just drifting farther and farther away, becoming numb.
It doesnt feel like anything really matters anymore.
