Suffocate

This sadness is overwhelming.

His name was Robert Paulson.

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Mitch hasnt emailed me back since I sent him that really weird Fight Club email. This is awkward for me.

Seriously need to start budgeting my money better.
Less going out to eat.
Less driving everywhere.
Less spending money at work… srsly wtf am I doing giving money to the people who are supposed to give me money.

Like Mother’s Day isnt bad enough, writing a bunch of sappy shit into a card for my mom when we all know that she hasnt spent any effort on our relationship or raising me since I was seven, I have to deal with her husband.

Little bit of a back story, I moved out when I was 13 in with my dad full time because my mom’s husband and I couldnt get along and we’d get in really nasty fights that stretched across the house and went on for days.

I had to wake up at 3:30 for work this morning, and I’ve gotten maybe six hours of sleep since Friday (I know thats no one’s fault but my own). After we eat dinner they decided to open up Mother’s Day gifts (I totally didnt realize that was a thing… oops). I’m struggling really hard, fighting with all my will power to stay awake and I’m losing. My eyes are drooping, I’m zoning out. Then my stepdad announces super loudly, “I’m sorry Nicole, are we boring you?” No asshole, you’re fucking pissing me off.

I cant even recall how many times my mom had to tell me when I was 7-13, “You need to go apologize, you need to be the bigger person.” Since when has it ever been expected or necessary for a seven year old girl to be ‘the bigger person’ or more emotionally stable than a thirty four year old man.

So far beyond done when it comes to trying to work on my relationship with mom.